It’s the most important time of my day, my time with the lover of all loves.
I open my lap top ready to hear from him. It’s been so long, our relationship isn’t the same. It seems when I am emotionally and physically complete I have less need of him. How sad I should wait till I’m standing at the edge of a pit waiting to be cast in that I should call for him.
Not this time, we’ve grown too close for me to start taking steps backward.
I have lost a lot of sleep, too much. I know it’s him trying to get through.
“I’m here love, I have nothing to say but that I love you, I just want to hear what you have been trying to show me”.
I wait…thoughts come into my head. I only have 30 minuets. Quick Lord, I need to hear from you”!
A saw is sounding off in the distance, I think of dear Chris and how hard he is working despite his battles.
Focus! There is just too much going on outside. I need quiet! Then it comes to me. My head phones, music!
Nothing with words or I’ll start singing. Thank God for Philly D.
The music starts. Already I’m there. I feel him. I search for his face like I always do. I don’t ever see it. Just images of paintings I’ve seen here and there but it is all I need. I know him, his aroma, his arms that have met me so many times before. He is the feeling I cling to when my insomnia wakes me at night.
Suddenly a mosquito bites my leg. “Bastard”.
I need an intercessory prayer, I can’t reach you.
I close my eye’s again. Every foul thing is fighting my connection. Then I feel him, my angel. I’ve never really known what position he holds only that he is the one I always dream of and see. He gives me faith. Nothing will come between me and my lover with him by my side. My spirit surges forward.
The Lord comes and takes me. Suddenly nothing matters and I have to stop typing..
We didn’t speak much like I thought we would. I guess there was nothing to say other then what he related to me through his embraces. He missed me.
My eyes watered and I felt so dirty, so childish. I tighten his arms around me. I’ll try harder” I said. He whispered in my ear, no, I know it’s hard. We feel so far away to you”. I just want you to know I’m here”.
He is painfully understanding but I still don’t accept it. No Lord really”, I’m worthless. I don’t even know why you want me like this”. I feel suddenly pathetic.
He says nothing more, he knows what it’s like to feel the wait of human indignity. He just holds me close and I know there is nothing I could ever do to stop his loving me.
It’s all so fast but the few moments we have are elating. He knows I have things to do so he lets me slip back inside myself.
The fight to get to him is well worth it. Music is the boat that carries me to him, my angel is my guide, he steers it away from the dark creatures surrounding the waters. Another successful attempt. Thank you all.