I had no motivation from the beginning of the day. Every one at Cervantino seemed to stay up till at least 4 every night. New people, new faces. When I got to the stage everything was fine, I was just tired. I had a little brake down as I was buying coffee to wake me up. The chick was taking advantage of me cause she could tell I was foreign so I just kind of lost it. The next 10 minuets before our skit I spent crying. After the first skit my big strong friend caught on and took me in his arms, held my face and told me I would be ok. My show with David was next. When I got on stage every one in the crowed was sitting down. No feed whatsoever. I felt it would be a rough show. It's hard to perform when your audience is giving you nothing. I wanted to sit down myself. David was also placed on the far side of the stage so I couldn't touch him or make eye contact which made me feel alone, very frustrating as our music was all about contact and feeling each other's groove rather then tempo and timing.
I sputtered my way through the first song, I wasn't breathing correctly and feeling nothing at all. I couldn't brake through the barrier and had little desire to try. Second song I was still not there, there was a huge gap between me, my guitarist and the audiance. I wanted to get off the stupid stage and sit down with them. My mind waundered so far that I forgot my own lyrics, started singing the Portuguese song in English. I looked over to David and he grinned, that meant everything is going to be fine, just keep going. I felt the tears trying to resurface and I choked them down. Second verse, I also started that one in English and quickly rebounded back to Portuguese. Tisk, tisk..what the hell am I doing"? I thought. I was so glad when the song was over. David and I were asked to do an extra song with no prior practice (as was the Cervantino custom haha). David sang, I did a small part with harmonies. It was just what I needed to pull myself together. David's voice is so pretty.
During the last song the mixers finally realized the terrible feed back that had been going on through the whole show was due to David's mic. So "Holly Blessed Jesus" they moved David closer to me. We were finally reunited as band mates haha! From there we had one song left, one magical song. We both let go and just made love to our audience through the music. It felt so good, I finally made contact. Thanks to David we managed to bridge the musical gap.
When I got off stage I couldn't bear to look at any of the other musicians, I got all choked up when several of them came up to David and myself saying it was by far the best set yet and that was the norm for comments the rest of the night. I knew in my heart that it was only the Lord, I made a mess of everything and in His mercy He mastered the out-put to where it came out sounding (apparently) amazing! TYJ. Chris G said he was proud of me. I looked at him and told him what a mess I made and he looked puzzled. "no way"? I told him I cried before the set and was a mess the whole way through. He looked at me and said " ah, that's why it was amazing". Chris used to say you can only really trust some one's voice if they are singing while crying, singing with a broken heart, its impossible to "put anything on" or fake it when your crying. The show was a confirmation of his theory.
I'm just happy Dav and I made it through. I told him I was sorry and he said "I would have kept playing till you got it right". haha GBH. I'm thrilled by the heavy spirit of love I was feeling through it all. I think part of the reason for my tears was due to just being overwhelmed by all the love. Every one was so sweet and beautiful. I just felt unworthy. And we really are, each of us are nothing without him, just a sputtering, blundering, idiot who has no business being on stage.
It’s my and Peter’s sincere hope and prayer that we will each do our best to be aware of the needs of others, to bear one another’s burdens, to lift up and support those who are vulnerable or in need, and to, as this short article puts it, “think about the next guy.”
I know there is so much you want for your own life, right now every one is searching themselves, trying to find what it is they've been held back from doing all this time but that's really beside the point. When your in my will you ARE doing just what you should be and even though I want people to find new levels of fulfillment, going about it that way already is showing how much some one's heart was in my word, my business. This change program wasn't designed to throw The Family up in the air like a gigantic pizza in hope all the pieces fall where they should. It is designed to sift through my children, it's a great purging. If your heart is set on things above and not things of this earth, on the spirit of love, then the change program will only enhance your discipleship and make you all the more a force to be reckoned with in this dark world. For you cannot love the lost whom you have not seen if you struggle with loving your brother and sister. You cannot lay down your life for the sheep without laying down your life for your brethren.
I know you can feel helpless and alone, every one is having to stand on their own two feet and face themselves they way I see them. Every one is really evaluating the depth of the revolution within themselves.
So let it try you, I have faith that if you hold on and cling to me, you will be an even stronger woman of God. In this time others will need you to speak faith and be encouraging. let your brokenness speak faith to my dear ones, people trust broken hearts. Only broken hearts can see eye to eye with a troubled soul, through the pretense and feelings of inadequacy and into the potential there is in each of my children. The change is going to expose a lot of ugliness, people who are out for self gain and its so important that my little love lights burn all the stronger during this time. our love for each other is what has always separated you from the church system. With out this love, many will be lost that are in the Family, and that could have joined.
So let your love so shine and don't be ashamed or feel weak like your disadvantaged because you love. As the world gets darker, love will glow all the brighter! Let love reign.
I love you Clay.
Viva La Revolution!
He goes under the Alias Gianluca Grignani.
No more lies Chris !
The best part of the Video is when chris is playing drums and throws the sticks in the air...very smooth, but it totally gives you away!
I think its going to be an amazing year and it has really already been!
And then came the moment I knew I was destined for my whole life, through tears and puberty, waiting for that moment I knew would come.
I got off stage after our first little show and there he was, siting peacefully next to his wife, so peaceful it would be almost impossible to convince you he was about to rock the slide guitar on a intensely lit stage for hundreds.
He motioned for me to come over and said in the coolest accent you ever herd " was that you up there just then"? I sheepishly nodded (wait for it...) "that was great"! You have an Amazing voice, I love your sound"....
People, people, people... it means little or nothing when a perfectionist receives a compliment on something they know without doubt is far from perfect as an art form. The polite thing is of course, to graciously accept the compliment and move on, work harder. But! when a musical marvel, aged in the light of center stage, who has preformed SO many concerts to the point it no longer even makes him cold sweat or short of breath, says anything to apriciate your God given skill... its earth shaking! That poor little man got way more hugs from me then he bargained for.
later Jeremy signed my ol guitar and patted me on the back "keep singing"... life changing.
Im so glad I went to the Cervantino, it really was life changing. Even with all the intense changes the Family is still who we have always been. I was flipped out to meet and see us doing what we do best, reaching out, being little mirrors of the Lord's love to the world.
I love you All and miss you