The snow is not as bitterly cold as it looks. At this time of year Spring is already poking her sunny head over the mountains surrounding the little town of Breza.
We timed our trip perfectly so that I could catch Sadmir before closing his shop but the ice covered streets weren't taken into account and our cab driver, not wanting to be guilty of killing two American girls, drove cautiously through the fog and streets encased in ice.
I was still able to surprise Sadmir's father and later learned from friends that when Sadmir got the call that I was sitting back home on his couch, his hand's started to tremble and he went into a short lived shock.
The next two weeks were a delicious reward for the six months we have spent apart, and from a lover a girl can't possibly expect more, he satisfies me. Still, I cringe when ever we talk about marriage, it feels so foreign to me but after all, isn't that where all this is going? I've been very clear about my two year dating plan, I doubt its sufficient enough time. My worst fear is marrying a man who will not ultimately be the sole provider and father to the children we bear together. I know he feels the same. For better or worse is something I'm glad we agree on but foresight would be a greater comfort to me. Can one ever really trust another human being? There are other things too, I've always secretly felt marriage would be the end of my life, something like a giant abyss, no more chapter's to fill. I fear becoming a spiteful wife he craves being rid of, escaping me at every chance to pursue home-wrecking youths with his same stamina.
In the end life is one big up hill, down hill journey and I don't expect it will be perfect, I only hope to hold on tightly and fearlessly. Its like the song goes, its not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise the moves us along". I suppose that's all life is really about, moving along.We can't stop the clock and I'm not 22 anymore....something tells me this one will be the death of me, my abyss.

So Sadmir's English has been getting much better with one exception, the darling is starting to talk like me. Words like, totally, nice and dude are surfacing more and more in my conversations with him. "Dude" a word that unlike "positively" is not sexy when said in a Bosnish accent. Say Mountain Dew, now just say Dew, new say Dewd.... there you have it! Not to mention its just weird hearing him use my words, in fact! Hearing my boyfriend turn his beautifully primitive English into pop culture slang isn't attractive at ALL! So if its not sexy for Sadmir I've decided its not sexy for mua! Along with this year's other new resolutions, I'm going to work on my English, for the sake of progress but also for the sake of my silly, darling that he may have the chance to speak the English language with all the savvy and pizzazz I know is better suited for him! 

what you will never know

the most beautiful thing I have ever known
freedom, there is no fear, just the sound of your foot steps coming up there stairs, your breath on my back, your expectancy.
I know its cliche, but if only all the world could be so used to what is perfect and harmonious.
it is impossible to hold anything in this world, I know and am not at all ignorant to change, but if only this once in my life I am treated with the dignity we, as creatures built in the image of God are inclined to, I will always be grateful.
you will find that in me there is a secret well that runs deep, and from it you will receive always twice of what you have put in. I am indebted to you, indeed your slave, for what is more better fitting to describe the heart of love than a slave who is possessed without chains. my free will binds me to your servitude. I will never go back to the desolation of my past, my soul building higher walls to keep the famine out
I will never allow my heart to thirst again or to be beaten down for my longing, a longing that from birth is imparted to all men
I am now living a most envious life, a cliche 

the worst feeling in the world is the one you get when you can't do one more bloody pull up, like your mind wants to but your body just wont let you. I've been pushing myself pretty hard over the last two months, I see results but they are slow in coming. December will be my 3rd month with the cross fit academy. I wish I could be putting more time in, my schedule just wont allow for it so I try and do as much home work as possible.
There is still that feeling though, like I have to fight harder then some people, like my genetics are against me.
I just refuse to be a pudgy fitness coach! That's my drive, not impressing any one... my boyfriend like his pudgy fitness coach, I kinda do too  :) 

So I've been meaning to get in with the "cool" kids at Missioncrossfit, I don't feel intimidated too often, not because I'm much more special than the next gal, it has more to do with growing up in a "both sides, win, every one gets a shiner prize" reality, just makes me feel like every one else's equal.
In this alternate world of push hard, earn your name on the dry erase board until it's erased by the better athlete, you have to offer more than a joke or two here and there, a hand shake or a compliment. Compliments wont up your weight class that's for sure, though speed and agility might.

Above is Nick going a hurdle that is only about a foot and a half shorter than he is...Nick is six foot 8'. Needless to say the girls in this outfit don't come in to talk about the latest Kings of Leon album, they come to train till their clothes are wet with sweat and they have managed to do at least one rep more than their average best.

I have hardly shared a word with any of them until today when the chick who embodies "people will want to be you" helped me load up my weight bar, we began talking about stuff like protective gloves, she uses chalk because her hands have already developed hard callouses. "Oh so I guess with time it wont hurt too much"? I say in my most cheerful voice, "well, gloves or chalk aren't going to stop the tearing" Tearing"? now I'm scared "ya, but only when your up to doing about 100 pull ups, it'll rip"
So much for motivational girl talk, although it was insightful"... this will with time fall under the "reasons I practice dance fitness". Weight lifting is very good for building muscles "the prerequisite for any self respecting fitness coach, a few numbers well spent and free time well spent.
My first zumba class is around the bend and boy am I looking forward to it!

Three Months of Bliss

So here it is, pictures.. all I'm really good at anyway.. but each one being worth a thousand words.

a week from today

and around the same time, I will be sipping coffee and studying my book peaceably and without interruptions. My joins and limbs will be relaxed and my mind will be fully engaged. There will be no children to pick up from school, no pressing matters to attend to, no messes that aren't my own to clean, no kitty litters or cats to feed and no one trying to squeeze any kind of labor out of me, no devastating, unexpected surprises hell bent on making me rectify matters emotionally or otherwise.

I am reminding myself that everything I've worked since the beginning of this year for is only 7 days away, for certain if not for school I probably wouldn't come back to this stupid country at all. 

I only hope the short two plus months I am away will be long enough to make me forget what a complete disaster this place is long enough to keep me focused till my next opportuned exit.