14/07/12

Rant

Blogging these days has become near impossible...so many pictures Id like to post but everything ends up on Facebook. I hope things get better for Splat soon.
Germany has been great so far but I fear the cold has not set in and nor has the realization of my new life.
Work starts Monday, a Hospital for fat kids. Yes thats right, being fat is now something we seek medical help for...thats ok by me, more work for the fitness industry. I am now waiting on a letter from Germany with information and how, where and when I can begin attending school for German culture and language, Ive already been taking classes on my own initiative.
In other news my personal life is taking an ugly turn, I dread the possibilities married life implies, children and all that normal stuff. I feel maybe my feelings have lost their roots and now Im just floating off into space, going through rituals and painting insincere smiles on my face. My career and goals are being set back by a need to pleas rather then achieve what I have been dreaming of and now, in this awkward abyss, progress is slowly no longer priority and naturally there is no standing still, from here its all downward and unless I find a way to make it work, Im afraid I will need to break.
Sadmir is taking off for three months so I will be left alone with work, school and a wide array of thoughts to chew upon. Will time apart make the heart fonder, or will I begin to savor every minute without him to the point I dread his return?    :(  triple sad face

15/03/12

The snow is not as bitterly cold as it looks. At this time of year Spring is already poking her sunny head over the mountains surrounding the little town of Breza.
We timed our trip perfectly so that I could catch Sadmir before closing his shop but the ice covered streets weren't taken into account and our cab driver, not wanting to be guilty of killing two American girls, drove cautiously through the fog and streets encased in ice.
I was still able to surprise Sadmir's father and later learned from friends that when Sadmir got the call that I was sitting back home on his couch, his hand's started to tremble and he went into a short lived shock.
The next two weeks were a delicious reward for the six months we have spent apart, and from a lover a girl can't possibly expect more, he satisfies me. Still, I cringe when ever we talk about marriage, it feels so foreign to me but after all, isn't that where all this is going? I've been very clear about my two year dating plan, I doubt its sufficient enough time. My worst fear is marrying a man who will not ultimately be the sole provider and father to the children we bear together. I know he feels the same. For better or worse is something I'm glad we agree on but foresight would be a greater comfort to me. Can one ever really trust another human being? There are other things too, I've always secretly felt marriage would be the end of my life, something like a giant abyss, no more chapter's to fill. I fear becoming a spiteful wife he craves being rid of, escaping me at every chance to pursue home-wrecking youths with his same stamina.
In the end life is one big up hill, down hill journey and I don't expect it will be perfect, I only hope to hold on tightly and fearlessly. Its like the song goes, its not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise the moves us along". I suppose that's all life is really about, moving along.We can't stop the clock and I'm not 22 anymore....something tells me this one will be the death of me, my abyss.

that is fucking scary!

11/01/12

So Sadmir's English has been getting much better with one exception, the darling is starting to talk like me. Words like, totally, nice and dude are surfacing more and more in my conversations with him. "Dude" a word that unlike "positively" is not sexy when said in a Bosnish accent. Say Mountain Dew, now just say Dew, new say Dewd.... there you have it! Not to mention its just weird hearing him use my words, in fact! Hearing my boyfriend turn his beautifully primitive English into pop culture slang isn't attractive at ALL! So if its not sexy for Sadmir I've decided its not sexy for mua! Along with this year's other new resolutions, I'm going to work on my English, for the sake of progress but also for the sake of my silly, darling that he may have the chance to speak the English language with all the savvy and pizzazz I know is better suited for him! 

27/12/11

what you will never know

the most beautiful thing I have ever known
freedom, there is no fear, just the sound of your foot steps coming up there stairs, your breath on my back, your expectancy.
I know its cliche, but if only all the world could be so used to what is perfect and harmonious.
it is impossible to hold anything in this world, I know and am not at all ignorant to change, but if only this once in my life I am treated with the dignity we, as creatures built in the image of God are inclined to, I will always be grateful.
you will find that in me there is a secret well that runs deep, and from it you will receive always twice of what you have put in. I am indebted to you, indeed your slave, for what is more better fitting to describe the heart of love than a slave who is possessed without chains. my free will binds me to your servitude. I will never go back to the desolation of my past, my soul building higher walls to keep the famine out
I will never allow my heart to thirst again or to be beaten down for my longing, a longing that from birth is imparted to all men
I am now living a most envious life, a cliche