so this is what Ive been up to. I want to pick up blogging again. I just need to fin the time.

a lot untold

Rant

Blogging these days has become near impossible...so many pictures Id like to post but everything ends up on Facebook. I hope things get better for Splat soon.
Germany has been great so far but I fear the cold has not set in and nor has the realization of my new life.
Work starts Monday, a Hospital for fat kids. Yes thats right, being fat is now something we seek medical help for...thats ok by me, more work for the fitness industry. I am now waiting on a letter from Germany with information and how, where and when I can begin attending school for German culture and language, Ive already been taking classes on my own initiative.
In other news my personal life is taking an ugly turn, I dread the possibilities married life implies, children and all that normal stuff. I feel maybe my feelings have lost their roots and now Im just floating off into space, going through rituals and painting insincere smiles on my face. My career and goals are being set back by a need to pleas rather then achieve what I have been dreaming of and now, in this awkward abyss, progress is slowly no longer priority and naturally there is no standing still, from here its all downward and unless I find a way to make it work, Im afraid I will need to break.
Sadmir is taking off for three months so I will be left alone with work, school and a wide array of thoughts to chew upon. Will time apart make the heart fonder, or will I begin to savor every minute without him to the point I dread his return?    :(  triple sad face

where I have been, and the green is where I want to go

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The snow is not as bitterly cold as it looks. At this time of year Spring is already poking her sunny head over the mountains surrounding the little town of Breza.
We timed our trip perfectly so that I could catch Sadmir before closing his shop but the ice covered streets weren't taken into account and our cab driver, not wanting to be guilty of killing two American girls, drove cautiously through the fog and streets encased in ice.
I was still able to surprise Sadmir's father and later learned from friends that when Sadmir got the call that I was sitting back home on his couch, his hand's started to tremble and he went into a short lived shock.
The next two weeks were a delicious reward for the six months we have spent apart, and from a lover a girl can't possibly expect more, he satisfies me. Still, I cringe when ever we talk about marriage, it feels so foreign to me but after all, isn't that where all this is going? I've been very clear about my two year dating plan, I doubt its sufficient enough time. My worst fear is marrying a man who will not ultimately be the sole provider and father to the children we bear together. I know he feels the same. For better or worse is something I'm glad we agree on but foresight would be a greater comfort to me. Can one ever really trust another human being? There are other things too, I've always secretly felt marriage would be the end of my life, something like a giant abyss, no more chapter's to fill. I fear becoming a spiteful wife he craves being rid of, escaping me at every chance to pursue home-wrecking youths with his same stamina.
In the end life is one big up hill, down hill journey and I don't expect it will be perfect, I only hope to hold on tightly and fearlessly. Its like the song goes, its not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise the moves us along". I suppose that's all life is really about, moving along.We can't stop the clock and I'm not 22 anymore....something tells me this one will be the death of me, my abyss.

that is fucking scary!

So Sadmir's English has been getting much better with one exception, the darling is starting to talk like me. Words like, totally, nice and dude are surfacing more and more in my conversations with him. "Dude" a word that unlike "positively" is not sexy when said in a Bosnish accent. Say Mountain Dew, now just say Dew, new say Dewd.... there you have it! Not to mention its just weird hearing him use my words, in fact! Hearing my boyfriend turn his beautifully primitive English into pop culture slang isn't attractive at ALL! So if its not sexy for Sadmir I've decided its not sexy for mua! Along with this year's other new resolutions, I'm going to work on my English, for the sake of progress but also for the sake of my silly, darling that he may have the chance to speak the English language with all the savvy and pizzazz I know is better suited for him! 

what you will never know

the most beautiful thing I have ever known
freedom, there is no fear, just the sound of your foot steps coming up there stairs, your breath on my back, your expectancy.
I know its cliche, but if only all the world could be so used to what is perfect and harmonious.
it is impossible to hold anything in this world, I know and am not at all ignorant to change, but if only this once in my life I am treated with the dignity we, as creatures built in the image of God are inclined to, I will always be grateful.
you will find that in me there is a secret well that runs deep, and from it you will receive always twice of what you have put in. I am indebted to you, indeed your slave, for what is more better fitting to describe the heart of love than a slave who is possessed without chains. my free will binds me to your servitude. I will never go back to the desolation of my past, my soul building higher walls to keep the famine out
I will never allow my heart to thirst again or to be beaten down for my longing, a longing that from birth is imparted to all men
I am now living a most envious life, a cliche 

the worst feeling in the world is the one you get when you can't do one more bloody pull up, like your mind wants to but your body just wont let you. I've been pushing myself pretty hard over the last two months, I see results but they are slow in coming. December will be my 3rd month with the cross fit academy. I wish I could be putting more time in, my schedule just wont allow for it so I try and do as much home work as possible.
There is still that feeling though, like I have to fight harder then some people, like my genetics are against me.
I just refuse to be a pudgy fitness coach! That's my drive, not impressing any one... my boyfriend like his pudgy fitness coach, I kinda do too  :) 

So I've been meaning to get in with the "cool" kids at Missioncrossfit, I don't feel intimidated too often, not because I'm much more special than the next gal, it has more to do with growing up in a "both sides, win, every one gets a shiner prize" reality, just makes me feel like every one else's equal.
In this alternate world of push hard, earn your name on the dry erase board until it's erased by the better athlete, you have to offer more than a joke or two here and there, a hand shake or a compliment. Compliments wont up your weight class that's for sure, though speed and agility might.

Above is Nick going a hurdle that is only about a foot and a half shorter than he is...Nick is six foot 8'. Needless to say the girls in this outfit don't come in to talk about the latest Kings of Leon album, they come to train till their clothes are wet with sweat and they have managed to do at least one rep more than their average best.

I have hardly shared a word with any of them until today when the chick who embodies "people will want to be you" helped me load up my weight bar, we began talking about stuff like protective gloves, she uses chalk because her hands have already developed hard callouses. "Oh so I guess with time it wont hurt too much"? I say in my most cheerful voice, "well, gloves or chalk aren't going to stop the tearing" Tearing"? now I'm scared "ya, but only when your up to doing about 100 pull ups, it'll rip"
So much for motivational girl talk, although it was insightful"... this will with time fall under the "reasons I practice dance fitness". Weight lifting is very good for building muscles "the prerequisite for any self respecting fitness coach, a few numbers well spent and free time well spent.
My first zumba class is around the bend and boy am I looking forward to it!

Three Months of Bliss

So here it is, pictures.. all I'm really good at anyway.. but each one being worth a thousand words.

a week from today

and around the same time, I will be sipping coffee and studying my book peaceably and without interruptions. My joins and limbs will be relaxed and my mind will be fully engaged. There will be no children to pick up from school, no pressing matters to attend to, no messes that aren't my own to clean, no kitty litters or cats to feed and no one trying to squeeze any kind of labor out of me, no devastating, unexpected surprises hell bent on making me rectify matters emotionally or otherwise.

I am reminding myself that everything I've worked since the beginning of this year for is only 7 days away, for certain if not for school I probably wouldn't come back to this stupid country at all. 

I only hope the short two plus months I am away will be long enough to make me forget what a complete disaster this place is long enough to keep me focused till my next opportuned exit. 

I honestly have no idea why I was born a Goode... these are the only people who really know how to drive me crazy!

Need a quick trip off??

I sometimes trip off when I am supposed to be researching, all kinds of things pop up when you use google. One of my favorite places to trip off in is this sweet little weblog. Its just for us girls, full of information and beauty secrets so I don't feel like I've completely waisted my time.
check it out

Fitness

I'm not a fitness buff, I've been the chubby kid my whole life but what I am is active and maybe I've got a slight attention disorder. Its not easy for me to sit around thinking about something, the idea of choosing a career other then my choice to be a missionary was a pain in the butt.
There were a few things I felt I would be good at, like people relations (boring) a teacher (ick) maybe beauty and salon "cosmetics" (in my genetic make up and possibly still in the cards). My day to day life had one constant, one encrypted programing that I could say for sure was a part of me "A,D,D" ...or maybe just movement, dance! I could do that on a day to day basis sure.
I thus squished all the above into a box with a label on it and that label read "Group Fitness Instructor".
PR, Teaching, beauty, movement and dance! Bam!
Even with my short attention span the idea stuck and I woke with the thought every morning for about a year and a half.
Today I took my first quiz and I am proud to say I got 100%.
My first two days of study were nerve wrecking as it turns out I am having to study mostly anatomy and body science which means a lot of big words and your FULL attention is required in order to read 10 pages of pure glycolytic (a word even my spell check disagrees with) pathways.
I am still nervous but after this first quiz I am developing a little more faith in myself and the Lord's leading for this career. I know the mental stretching is only half of the job because in order to sell myself as a professional I am required to maintain utmost care of my body and condition myself as an athletic person would. I don't know how I am going to do this as my body seems immune to all forms of diet and exercise, toning is almost a foreign language I've never been able to grasp.
For now I do my best, its even tougher when you spend 3 or more hours on your ass but I am fighting along to maintain a balance that will create the perfect homeostasis for my unique body type.
Wish me the best.

Raining Money

I went to deposit a wad of cash into my account when a gust of wind blew all but a few bills from my grasp. Imagine 20s, 10s, and 5s along with a hundred plus ones exploding into the air in a burst of agonizing glory.
At first all I could do was laugh as I stood there dazed as if it was some kind of bizarre dream, I expected at any moment Bat Man and a mob of giraffes were to emerge from the bank doors and begin parading threw my falling money.
From the corner of my eye I could see my sister racing after the money, following her was a young man, an old woman and then the bank manager. Ironic as it was the one least concerned with retrieving it was the one it belonged to, yours truly. I guess I felt the way I do with most things, "why bother chasing after it?".Anything thats meant to be mine will simply follow me around".
My sister was now on all fours scooping money into her skirt. I finally came to and grabbed at fives that seemed to dance around my legs. I always feel so stupid chasing after things, is anything really worth losing breath over? Its the oddest thing but my only motivation was the calories I was sure to burn chasing my hard earned money.
As I looked around every one seemed so delighted to be running and chasing down these impossibly fast paper monies, indeed just like a dream. I wondered if any of them were planning on keeping it.
I don't think any of us thought we would manage to retrieve it all.
It was the strangest thing how we all laughed and made jokes, how could something like this happen? Never mind, it's Awesome!

If you've never seen the sky raining money you've never lived.
After there didn't seem to be any more money to retrieve I was reunited with mangled fistfuls of green . Every one was eager to see just how much we managed to get back (or rather just how much I managed to lose).
Drum Roll please" All but one dollar was unaccounted for. Its possible I didn't count it right the first time to begin with meaning ALL the money was found.
It was amazing.
The Manager of my bank loves telling people this story using "Lets see if Chase will do that for you" as a punch line/slogan.
This isn't an anecdote but if it was the lesson would be, Chase bank wont chase after your money for you. And, Don't expect some one else to reach out and obtain your dreams for you, even though they just did... in this real life story... hu....

I fished a foot ball out of the water Easter Sunday, my sister held my legs as I leaned over board doing 30 MPRs. Alcohol had something to do with it for sure but I also remember just wanting to fall off the boat, the only real danger being the boats propeller which you could probably clear relatively easily. The look on Matt's face was one of complete horror as he moved quickly to slow the boat. My sister would have been the one to snatch it if she wasn't the one holding me inside the boat.
Great time, Happy Easter!

Muscle Confusion

No we're not working out in the morning, we're working out toNIGHT!!

Just when you think it's Techno, RAP! Wait! ohh no its Metal.

Confuse the hell out of those Muscles !!

My planned summer vacation

where can you find ALL this in the same location ??

 Who'da thought
we were originally going to Germany and then France but when I saw these pictures of Albania it didn't take any guessing.

This month is going to be particularly exhausting. We are getting new jobs in the down town Houston aria (Vanessa, Sherrie and I) moving into our own place and buying another car all at once. There didn't seem to be the option of doing one of the above at a time.
it seems over whelming and some times I feel the girls don't think we can make it, at least not get everything we want all at once, we've spoken about compromising on certain things like the apartment, the one I believe we can afford would be as tropical and beautiful as living on a resort in the Bahamas and economical as well considering gas prices and how close we will be to our various work places. However, we all really want to save money, I want to go back to Bosnia in six months and Sherrie would also like a trip back to Europe. None of us want to find ourselves stuck in a situation we'll have nothing to show for after its done.

I haven't been able to sleep for a while because I am always thinking about a way to make this work, about Sadmir. He doesn't think it would be much fun coming to the US. Once in Bosnia we'll be able to go to Germany, France and maybe a few other places. He has the "not as much fun" part right.
I'm stressed, this is a rant... I just needed to vent.
I want to be on a plane again soon, I want to find myself sleeping in strong arms again. But I want to make sure I am not leaving important parts of my life undone as well, which is why I'm not in Breza right now learning to make cakes with Dade.
I just have to focus, I already know what I want and need to do first, this year better turn up with some results.