19/12/2007

Closure and an overdue tribute


There is a sign in the waiting room of a funeral home in El Paso Texas that gives its readers an idea of what to expect when going through the loss of a loved one. I found it quite acute. First there is denial, thats the funnest part cause your expecting Ashton to jump out any moment "You just Got Punked"! Then shock, That would be when you walk, happy as a peach, into a room full of people who surge forward to embrace you when you yell out "Stay the Fuck Away From me"! all the while still peachy. If you think that's harsh, wait till we get to the next step, anger. That would be when you run four miles without warning to determine for yourself where the body was found, demand to know who's it was and collapse into the Motele manager's arms who, seeing you out of breath and out of your mind, graciously gives you a room for the night and coffee and donuts the next morning. If the sign had mentioned anything about the sleaze bag who offers you a ride home the next morning just to try and take advantage of you despite your puffy eyes and their obvious explanation, you would definitely Walk Home. But unfortunately, thats the hard part about losing your dad, hes not there to beat the guy senseless.
Then finally, there is a long period of depression before reaching the last step which is closure.



Now every one has their way of finding closure and it varies from person to person. For me, closer wasn't something that I needed to happen, it was something that didn't happen. Our dear Lord who had given me many other premonitions and "epiphanies" in the past had neglected to clue me in on my father's very untimely death. It was quite odd as he was strong and healthy as an Ox, I was finally done with school and ready to start pursuing my profession recking havoc on civilization as we know it. Had it not been for my dad's passing on I would have never considered the Family. I joined to make him happy, it was what he wanted and I was sure to give it my best shot just so I could say "there, I did it". I guess dad knew there were more affective ways to leave a dent in "The Man's"Cadillac.



So I was given a chance to join a home in Houston and there I was, a fish out of water trying to make sense of things. The Family is a spiritual movement, if I couldn't establish the reason behind all the seemingly unnecessary pain, then there was no place for me here.

When I found my closure I was sitting alone in my room begging the Lord for a sign that life wasn't just a string of coincidences.

It was behind a drawling of my personal heroine. I love clowns so I drew him with a painted face. He is my champion and I would often look at him when things seemed to go sour. He was sticking out to me and I felt the need to hold him. Sketch paper is transparent, my closure was seen scribbled though the left bicep. I don't remember ever writing it but its in my hand writing and undeniably my bad spelling. There is no explanation for it as I had never been in love nor had any reason to write something so dramatic. Its a lame poem but I hope my explanation justifies it.



I feel that if you asked me to move on it would kill me but I know its something we'll all have to do


It hurts to even think of a life with no you


when will time age your memory when will I get over you


You've brought me out of the dark but I'm still afraid to move


You've given me light, but now what do I do?


I know I must make new memories and abandon the old

but how do I start to even begin to forsake the pasts hold, and face the wind.







The Lord has closure for all our unanswered questions, he just wants to make sure we are asking the right ones.



I wish I had filmed all of your great moments, every stupid joke that sent you keeling over with laughter, every bad Dr Evil impersonation, every mischievous grin. I wish I had told you I loved you while squeezing you in my arms more often. I wish I had told you how totally bad ass you were and how all the kids in school thought you were a celebrity.

If I could repair any single moment it would be this one, I would turn to say good bye, look cheerfully into your green eyes, I wouldn't say anything but I would probably laugh a little, and when you'd return the laugh, perhaps a little bewildered, I would seal that moment into my memory. I wouldn't need to say anything because you could always read my mind. Then I would get out of the car and NOT slam, but close the door behind me.

Just for you to know, I aspire to be like you as your more splendid self. I owe you the brilliant concept of living life without giving a damn about what every one else is doing. You were the freak show, the overwhelming force that sent some screaming while others flocked to shelter themselves in your good nature. Thank you for bringing color into a dry world full of grey squares. cheers to the Sagittarius!





Judah





Niki





Jessica





Phil





Eze





Nicole and all you other rockin fire balls!


5 comentários:

Judah disse...

Too sweet Marie. He understand better now than before and now he knows just how much he was loved and missed.

-xxx

Stephanie~

crazynik disse...

aww wow that almost made me cry...that is a beautiful tribute hun.
ILY too much...I'm sure ur dad is smiling down proud on such an incredible daughter he fathered.

iVn (aka Eric) disse...

Thanks again Precious for sharing a Giant part of your soul.

Judah always fools around with me when I look up to him!

A Great Warrior and Cheerer Upper,
by our sides!

Heavenly Kisses
to you!

Jaydee disse...

Miss ya Dad...Merry C-mas...

kathy disse...

that was so beautoful, marie.