I sat down today for the first time in a long while to try and crack a spark in my relationship with the Lord.
I've been mad at him you see, can't help but feel like we don't have a give and take relationship. I can't help but feel like he does all the taking. Humiliates and degrades me with his gigantic finger pointing in my face mocking my life and my decisions, decisions he asked me to make. Love he asked me to give and sacrifices he asked me to make. My life was after all lived just for him.
I've been angry at him and figured he must be so with me as we haven't spoken since my world last fell apart.
Again and again, another regurgitated relationship I had baked with such love and care. Another mission the Lord and I built from floor up lost and it's ashes thrust into the wind. Another moment of meaninglessness.
But all I wanted was freedom from the start, a love that gave me freedom, a field that gave me freedom. At the end of the day none of these things changed me, I realise I am a powerful creation. I've been crafted in powerful hands and no, they aren't pointing laughing. My core is the same and freedom is still my hearts cry.
I'm here with my mom and she is ranting on about a new idea for "the butterfly" concept. She plans on using balloons to reanimate the switch from an ugly creepy crawler into an explosive display of color and life.
I guess I shouldn't be so surprised by all the very predictable cause for my grief, after all, He never promised I wouldn't hurt, he even gave me a new name to remind me that I would always be crushed and broken... How I hate him...

In the end we all have to stand alone before the throne. There will be no one to hide behind, no religion or movement to blame for our lack of love, no good enough reason for why we gave up.
We are born naked and he will receive us naked. Those are my mother's words. And likeweise no one can make me give up but me.
I realise I am a fuck up and i'll never try to hide behind acomplishment. I have nothing without him, everything good bout me is his.
I can't serve drinks anymore when my life has been infused with turth and principal. I owe it to my mother and to the many brakings I can only hope every one will have a chance to experience.

I'm sorry I'm intense but I wouldn't trade carefree for depth and apparently neither would He,
Even when I traded in my heritage for husks.

2 comentários:

e-ric disse...

I hear all that,
and am sorry for any thing, I need to be sorry for, but,
the now is set in motion
& we choose what we want
whether to love and forgive,
well, I am thankful that your are fighter,
and know your Source of Power,,
and more of that to you,
more power for be a hero for those who need you!

Loves Magic,

c ya

Renae disse...

Intense, yes, but very good post. I know the feeling.