I had no motivation from the beginning of the day. Every one at Cervantino seemed to stay up till at least 4 every night. New people, new faces. When I got to the stage everything was fine, I was just tired. I had a little brake down as I was buying coffee to wake me up. The chick was taking advantage of me cause she could tell I was foreign so I just kind of lost it. The next 10 minuets before our skit I spent crying. After the first skit my big strong friend caught on and took me in his arms, held my face and told me I would be ok. My show with David was next. When I got on stage every one in the crowed was sitting down. No feed whatsoever. I felt it would be a rough show. It's hard to perform when your audience is giving you nothing. I wanted to sit down myself. David was also placed on the far side of the stage so I couldn't touch him or make eye contact which made me feel alone, very frustrating as our music was all about contact and feeling each other's groove rather then tempo and timing.
I sputtered my way through the first song, I wasn't breathing correctly and feeling nothing at all. I couldn't brake through the barrier and had little desire to try. Second song I was still not there, there was a huge gap between me, my guitarist and the audiance. I wanted to get off the stupid stage and sit down with them. My mind waundered so far that I forgot my own lyrics, started singing the Portuguese song in English. I looked over to David and he grinned, that meant everything is going to be fine, just keep going. I felt the tears trying to resurface and I choked them down. Second verse, I also started that one in English and quickly rebounded back to Portuguese. Tisk, tisk..what the hell am I doing"? I thought. I was so glad when the song was over. David and I were asked to do an extra song with no prior practice (as was the Cervantino custom haha). David sang, I did a small part with harmonies. It was just what I needed to pull myself together. David's voice is so pretty.
During the last song the mixers finally realized the terrible feed back that had been going on through the whole show was due to David's mic. So "Holly Blessed Jesus" they moved David closer to me. We were finally reunited as band mates haha! From there we had one song left, one magical song. We both let go and just made love to our audience through the music. It felt so good, I finally made contact. Thanks to David we managed to bridge the musical gap.
When I got off stage I couldn't bear to look at any of the other musicians, I got all choked up when several of them came up to David and myself saying it was by far the best set yet and that was the norm for comments the rest of the night. I knew in my heart that it was only the Lord, I made a mess of everything and in His mercy He mastered the out-put to where it came out sounding (apparently) amazing! TYJ. Chris G said he was proud of me. I looked at him and told him what a mess I made and he looked puzzled. "no way"? I told him I cried before the set and was a mess the whole way through. He looked at me and said " ah, that's why it was amazing". Chris used to say you can only really trust some one's voice if they are singing while crying, singing with a broken heart, its impossible to "put anything on" or fake it when your crying. The show was a confirmation of his theory.
I'm just happy Dav and I made it through. I told him I was sorry and he said "I would have kept playing till you got it right". haha GBH. I'm thrilled by the heavy spirit of love I was feeling through it all. I think part of the reason for my tears was due to just being overwhelmed by all the love. Every one was so sweet and beautiful. I just felt unworthy. And we really are, each of us are nothing without him, just a sputtering, blundering, idiot who has no business being on stage.
